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I’d just like a bold colourful life- Rachel

“I thought life would look a particular way, but it just doesn’t look the way I thought it would. I call it my Plan B life.

There’s been some challenges in my life; endometriosis, infertility, childlessness (as opposed to childfree), divorce; that all makes for a pretty shitty story. I mean it does make me who I am, but I want a more empowering version of that.

When I turned 45 I was like, this is technically the middle; halfway if I live to 90. What’s the second half of my life going to be about?

I love storytelling; and it’s time to rewrite the story of the first half of my life. And I’m ready for another love story. Hence, I’m doing online dating.

I feel like I’m learning how to date like a man, to be detached. 10 individual guys, 10 individual dates. It feels like I’m playing a game, because it IS unnatural. I’m learning from it as I go, so none of it is wasted.

The first guy I really liked. During lockdown we talked every day for two weeks, including video calls and then actually met briefly and it went really well, and then he just disappeared. Went AWOL.Then he sends intermittent texts, like what’s that about?

New guy number two, a date number three, number four cancelled, another number four cancelled; today’s the last chance with a new number four.I know I want to be MET romantically in a relationship and I don’t know how that will look.

And it depends on who shows up. And I have to show up equally. It’s not about ‘come at me life’!, I need to live my values.

I’ve walked through this part of the red zone a few times and it’s so weird that there’s no houses for most of the street and then, there’s my childhood home. I had such dreams and ambitions as a child and a teenager; dreams of a happier life.

So this is my reclaiming of my story. You know, it’s healing. It sums up my love/hate of my city and now I’m making peace with it.I’d just like a bold colourful life.”- Rachel

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